The carousel of emotion

“Austin Wiley!” It was finally Austin’s turn to receive his diploma. Don’t fall, he reminded himself.

“WOOOO!” Zach stood and yelled from his spot in the bleachers. He was feeling uncharacteristically exuberant today, and he didn't really care if anyone was annoyed by it. He clapped and continued, “YES BABE! Woo!”

Zach's mom did happen to be annoyed by it. Pulling on his arm, she asked, “Sweetie, can you sit back down now?” Zach did as he was told, but still had the biggest smile on his face. “That’s my boyfriend!” he said to his parents. They already knew but he had to tell someone.

It was Austin's graduation day, and walking across the stage, he was feeling good. Despite all of his worries, he'd made it. He had heard Zach yelling, but was too flustered to be able to find him when he looked out into the audience. It was a sea of people, and he wasn't even sure where his parents were.

He walked down the steps of the stage and followed the line of mortar boards back to his seat. He did it. He actually graduated college. Sure, this was just a ceremony, but it actually felt real. The weight of his finals, and of the last semester, were beginning to lift off of him.

After the ceremony, Austin pushed his way through the crowd to find Zach and his parents. He finally saw them, coming down the stairs, and rushed over. Zach scooped him up in a big hug, and after setting his feet back on the floor, went in for a big kiss. After a beat, Austin suddenly became aware that both his parents and Zach's parents were watching, and pulled away. Zach didn't even seem to notice.

“Congratulations, babe! I yelled, did you hear me?”

“I did, I did!” Austin laughed. Zach was truly being so over the top today. Who is this person? Austin thought.

“Congrats, Austin,” said Austin's mom, embracing him in a hug. It was slightly less enthusiastic, but it was hard to compete with Zach today.

“Yeah, congrats, son,” said Austin's dad, giving him a side hug and several pats on the back. “We're so proud of you.”

Austin's mom suggested that the whole group go outside to take some photos, and they joined the crowd exiting the gym.

Outside, Zach took photos of Austin with his parents, then Austin's parents took photos of Austin and Zach. And then Zach's parents and Zach and Austin grouped up, and it continued until every combination of people had been snapped.

Afterwards, all of the parents were talking, and Zach and Austin had a moment alone. Zach came close to Austin and wrapped his hands around his waist.

“I knew you could do it,” Zach said. Austin wasn't sure how to feel in response. Zach was right, he could do it, he had done it, but it brought feelings back up again. He decided to blow it off. “Yeah.” He smiled, and went in for a kiss.

“Okay, I have to post these photos!” Austin got out his phone and started comparing all of the photos of him and Zach. Zach looked over his shoulder.

While Austin crafted the perfect caption, Zach noticed his parents visiting with Austin's parents. He had to admit, it was a little strange seeing them out socializing. They normally were so focused on their own work and chores, they didn't really get out for fun. It was bittersweet seeing them enjoy the day, and he wished that they could do it more often.

---

Back at Austin's house, the group gathered around the dining room table. Austin's dad brought out a big cake from the refrigerator and got out plates and cutlery. On the cake, he had written “Congrats Grad!” in squiggly lettering.

While his dad was getting a cake server, Zach whispered to Austin, “Your dad is so cool.” Austin smiled back. Cool was the last thing he thought his dad was, but he liked the Zach saw him that way.

The cake was sliced and dished up, and everyone took a place around the table. Zach and Austin sat next to one another and talked quietly while all of the parents caught up.

Austin felt so lucky. All of these people together for him. His boyfriend here, celebrating with him. It was nearly unnerving, the excitement of graduating and having a boyfriend. It felt like more than he could have ever dreamed of.

“Have you all heard about Austin's first ever show?” Austin's mom asked the group.

Zach perked up and said, “No, we haven't!” Austin groaned, loudly.

“It was so cute. It was a school play, and even though he was in the ensemble, he still found a way to steal the show. We had to dress him up as a butterfly. It was pretty simple, but it was so hard to walk in.”

“Mom, please don't tell this story!” Austin was beginning to turn red.

Ignoring him, she continued on. “So it's the night of the show, and he couldn't walk, so we carried his costume in and put him in it backstage, so he wouldn't have to walk very far in it. So, the show starts, and a few other groups come out and do their numbers, and finally it's Austin's group.”

Austin groaned again and placed his face into his palms. Zach rubbed his hand on his back in an attempt to sooth him, despite the fact that he was really enjoying this story.

“They sing and they dance a little and it's very cute, and then they start moving around more. Well, Austin couldn't take very big steps, and he's slower than everyone else so he's trying to keep up, and then suddenly, he's on the ground. Now, it's one of those temporary stages, so his fall is so loud. He goes down with a thud. It sounded like he broke the stage. And everyone gets quiet. But the music is still going, so all the other kids are trying to keep going, and so they go around him. He's only down for maybe five seconds, but when he gets up he's crying and runs right off stage.”

“Oh no, babe, that's so sad!” Zach said. Austin was finally showing his face again and let out a big sigh.

“So, of course, we had to rush backstage and see if he was okay, and he wasn't. He was having a complete meltdown.” Speaking directly to Austin, his mom continued. “We tried to make you feel better, but you just weren't having it.”

“That's probably the most embarrassed I've been in my whole life.”

Zach laughed nervously. “If that's your most embarrassing, I will not be sharing any of my stories.”

“Oh, I'm going to need to hear all of those.” Austin laughed.

Austin's mom was visibly satisfied with herself for embarrassing Austin. She still felt a little bad, though. “Despite that mishap during your first show, you've gone on to become such a fantastic actor. We are so proud of you, honey. And we're really looking forward to this summer's show!”

Austin reluctantly thanked his mom, and dug back into his cake. He was embarrassed, but a small part of him enjoyed that he'd had such a dramatic entrance into theatre. It seemed right in a weird way.

“Hey, do you want to go to your room?” Zach asked. Austin nodded in reply. They got up, and as they passed their parents, Austin explained, “We'll be right back.”

“Before you go, there's something that we want to tell you,” Austin's mom said.

“Oh, okay...” Austin and Zach stopped at the end of the table.

“It's about your graduation present. Your dad and I decided that we're going to take you on a trip!”

“Oh my gosh!” Austin's jaw dropped.

“And we're inviting Zach to come along with us too!”

Austin couldn't help it, he squealed and jumped up and down. “This is the best thing that's ever happened to me! Eee! Where are we going?”

Austin's parents looked at one another, and then back to Austin. Austin's mom smiled, then said, “New York!”

“YESSSSS!” was Austin's reply.

Zach couldn't contain his excitement either, and jumped up and down with Austin, and scooped him up in a big hug. While he was smiling, he realized that his parents were there, and he didn't know if they would want him to go. His smile disappeared, and he looked in their direction, but they weren't really showing any signs.

Zach wasn't sure how they felt, but his feelings about his parents took on a new sadness. He knew that they would've wanted to take him on a big trip for his graduation too, but weren't able to. He also wished that they could come on this trip, but knew they couldn't. Still, he put on a face for Austin, as he continued his celebration.

“We're going to BROADWAAAAY! Oh my gosh, I'm going to get my first Playbill. This is amazing! Thank you, Mom! Thank you, Dad!” He hugged them both individually.

“Okay, now we're going to my room.” Austin smiled and took Zach to the basement door.

“Okay, you two behave now,” Austin's dad called as they went.

Zach couldn't help but feel that they all thought they were leaving to go and make out or something, but he was really just wanting some alone time with Austin again. The socialization had been a lot that day.

---

As they came into Austin's bedroom, he said, “I can't believe you were yelling during the ceremony!”

“I know, who was that?” Zach laughed. “I don't know what came over me. I was just so excited that you were graduating. My boyfriend. Graduating.”

“Well, I really loved it, and I think everyone knows we're dating now.”

“Oh, yeah, probably,” Zach laughed again. They both sat down on the end of Austin's bed.

“So, should we make out like our parents are expecting us to?”

Zach just smiled. How did Austin think the same thing as him. “We are the same person, I thought that too. Maybe we should, though...”

“It couldn't hurt.” Austin smiled, then leaned in, and kissed Zach long and deep. Zach brought his hands up to Austin's head and kissed back. A good, loving, congratulatory kiss. Just what he deserved.

After they separated, Zach said, “Okay, we have to talk about that story.”

Austin rolled his eyes. “I can't believe that they told that, thank goodness no one else was here to hear it. Your parents had better keep a tight lid on that one.”

“Oh, they will. But I might bring it up with them a lot.” Zach smiled, guiltily. Austin shoved him back onto on the bed. Zach pulled him down with him, and they both lay there for a moment together.

Austin sighed. “This is going to be such a crazy summer. Going on a trip, apparently. The play in July. Trying to find a job.” He looked over at Zach. “I'm so glad that I have you in my life.”

Zach looked back and smiled. “Me too. I can't wait to see you up on stage. It's going to be so strange not running lights this time, I might actually listen to what you're saying.”

Austin laughed. “I knew it.”

---

The next weekend, Zach went to visit his parents and have dinner together. They didn't get together every week, but occasionally he would go for a visit. He usually went without Austin, as he sort of felt like it was nice to have a little time apart, and he didn't want to put Austin through it.

He arrived shortly before dinner, and went into the house and found his mom in the kitchen, pulling a casserole out of the oven. His dad was in the living room watching TV.

“Hey mom.”

“Hello!” She set down the casserole and slipped off the oven mitt, and came over to give Zach a big hug. “How are you doing?”

“Pretty good! How are you?”

“Good, just trying to get this finished.” She had turned back around to the stove. There, a dish of green beans were boiling over. She grabbed it and moved it off to a trivet.

Zach leaned against the kitchen counter and watched her.

“Your dad is in the other room.” Zach knew that she was suggesting that he should go and say hello to him, but he really didn't want to. “Yeah, I'll see him in a bit.”

Without even a blink, she continued, “How's Austin?”

“He's good, he's good. He's all keyed up about everything.”

“I imagine!” His mom opened a cabinet and pulled out a bowl for the green beans. “Honey, could you set the table?”

Once the three of them sat down to eat, said their prayers, and dug in, Zach's mom brought back the topic of Austin.

“So, about this trip you're taking.” Zach's stomach sank. “We’ve been thinking about it and we don't think it’s right for you to go.” She continued eating, as if what she was saying was normal and not a big deal. Zach set his fork down.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Austin's parents shouldn't have to pay for you to go on that trip, and they probably just invited you because they felt like they had to.”

His dad finally spoke up. “We pay our own way in this family, that's the way it should be. And we don't want you in that big city. Who knows what could happen.”

Zach couldn't believe what was happening. He wanted to say something, but he just couldn't think of what. His parents were so negative and fearful of everything, and it was maddening to fight back against.

His mom continued, “Honey, we think it's best if you just thank them for the offer, and let them go without you.”

“I can't tell them that, they won't believe me! I don't get it, why can't I go?”

“We told you, we don't think it's safe and we don't want you taking advantage of them.”

“But they invited me.”

“Yes, and they probably just felt like they had to, like I said.”

“But I'm Austin's boyfriend, why wouldn't they invite me?” Zach could see that the question made them uncomfortable. They wouldn't say it out loud, but he could sense that deep down, they still wished that he had a girlfriend. He was getting really angry.

“Regardless, we talked it through and this is what we decided,” his mom said. His dad had returned to his silent self, infuriatingly.

“So, what, because you decided that I can't go, I can't go? That's how this is supposed to work? What a load of absolute bullshit.”

“Zach! You watch your mouth!” His dad was suddenly speaking again.

It was too late, Zach was already pushed back from the table. His parents didn't even try to stop him. Leaving his plate of food, he marched to the front door, put on his shoes, and left, slamming the door on the way out.

In the car, his breathing was heavy, and he grabbed the steering wheel. He couldn't drive yet, but he needed to get out of there. His jaw clenched and he began to cry, an angry cry that was stuck on its way out. After a few moments, he gathered himself, breathed in deeply, if unevenly, and started the car.

On the way home, he passed by a fast food restaurant and stopped to get a burger. He didn't usually eat them, but this was an exception. Inside, he ordered, got his food, and found a booth near the back. He didn't want anyone to see him.

While he ate his burger, he tried to sort out what his parents had said. It didn't make sense to him why they didn't want him to go. He was so excited to be going, and now it was all muddled. Why are my parents like this? Why can’t they just be happy for me? he thought.

He remembered that his dad had mentioned the city being unsafe. He knew that big cities were more dangerous, maybe his dad had a point. He considered for a moment if it might be safer if he stayed home. But no, that was ridiculous. He was going to be with Austin's family, it would be safe. Or at least safe enough.

After he finished the burger, he was beginning to feel better. Slightly calmer, at least. As he finished his soda, he thought about what he was going to do. What was he going to tell Austin? He was going to be seeing him as soon as he got back to their apartment. He didn't know. He didn't know at all. What was so clear before was now so confused.