Are you happy?

“Oh my god, look at this one!” Zach held his phone out to Austin. They were sitting side by side at a table in the public library.

Austin watched the video, a sea lion jumping up and down on a beach. “Babe, you’ve got to stop showing me these, it’s so distracting. And cute. But distracting!”

“I know, sorry, I just keep finding good ones.” Zach was sorry but also kind of bored. He’d come with Austin to help him study for finals, but it had been an hour already and he was starting to regret being so nice.

“Can you help me run through these terms really quick?”

“Yeah, sure.” Zach sighed, locked his phone, and set it face down on the desk. Austin handed him a notebook with a hand printed list of terms and definitions. They turned to face each other.

“Okay, just tell me the term and I’ll tell you what it means. Hopefully.”

“Okay. Brand positioning.”

“How you set yourself apart from competitors.”

“Yep. Uh, inbound marketing.”

“Creating ways for customers to find your on their own.”

“Yes. Churn rate.”

“A measurement of customer retention over a period of time.”

“Nailed it. Do you even need to study these, you’re getting them all perfectly.”

“Okay, maybe not, but, I just want to make sure. Are you regretting being so nice about coming to help me?”

“No, it’s okay, it’s just like, you’re always on top of your homework, do you even need to prep for finals?”

“Uh, yes, of course I do, it’s finals. Everyone has to prepare for finals!”

“Okay, I might be biased, but I think you’re actually really smart and ahead of the game.”

“That’s sweet of you to say, babe, but if I don’t study for finals then I won’t pass my finals and then I won’t graduate and then I won’t be able to get a job. So it’s kind of do or die here.” Austin took the notebook back and turned to face the table again.

Zach waited a beat. ”You’re going to graduate. You’re going to get a job. I know you don’t believe me, but I see it and I know it’s true.”

Austin was starting to wish that Zach hadn’t come with him. It had been fun up until now, but he didn’t think that Zach couldn’t see the seriousness of the situation. Not only did he have college to finish, he was about to start rehearsals for the summer musical. He needed it all to go perfectly, he really didn’t want to let anybody down.

“I wish that I could believe you but I don’t think it’s quite that settled.” Austin was on the verge of crying, and he absolutely did not want to cry in the library.

“Okay, let’s keep going then.” Zach leaned forward and looked over at the notebook and picked another term. “Top of the funnel.”

“No, babe, it’s okay, we don’t have to do this.” Austin sat back in his chair and crossed his arms.

“But I want to. I’m sorry, I messed this all up.” Zach resisted the urge to escape to his phone.

A tear dropped down Austin’s face. He was crying in the library. He just stared at his arms, unable to put into words all of the feelings he was feeling. Zach was here, helping him, and believing in him so much, and Austin was crumbling. His beautiful boyfriend, witnessing his meltdown over a few vocab terms. In public. This day was ruined.

“Oh, hey, it’s okay, come here.” Zach pulled Austin into a hug as Austin sniffed. Speaking over his shoulder, Zach coutinued, “I know you’re really stressed about this, but it’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. I promise.”

Austin let go of Zach and pulled back. He didn’t want to be crying in the library anymore, and he hoped that no one had noticed. He needed to stay and study, but embarrassment was taking over. “Do you want to go and get a snack?”

“You sure? You don’t want to keep studying?”

“No, I think a break would be good.”

Austin packed up his notebook, books, and pencil into his backpack, and they both got up and headed out of the library. Out on the street, they made plans for where to go.

Austin proposed, “We could go get a pastry at that little place two blocks over?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” They walked over in uncomfortable quiet and slipped into the bakery.

Inside, they each ordered and then found an open table near the back. On the wall above the table hung a portrait of Sean Hayes. Zach dug into his pastry and Austin slowly nibbled away at his. Zach could tell that Austin was still stressed and bothered. He wondered what he should do. He knew that whatever he suggested, Austin would let him do it, even if it actually bothered him in truth. He was both so nice and so confusing at the same time.

He finally settled on a suggestion. “Hey, what if I go back to the apartment and let you study by yourself? Would that be okay?”

Austin felt a wave of relief rush over him. He would have struggled to find a way to ask himself, so he was glad that Zach had proposed it. Not wanting to fully show his relief, he cautiously accepted Zach’s offer.

“If that’s okay with you, I know we were going to spend the day together.”

“No, it’s okay, I’ll find things to do. You need some space, and we can meet up for dinner.”

“Okay, yeah, that sounds great! I promise I’ll study so hard and be done so soon.”

“No, take your time! It’s not a rush.” Zach was happy that he’d figured out the right thing. Austin genuinely seemed happy to be rid of him for the rest of the afternoon, and Zach didn’t mind the time to himself.

---

Back in the apartment, Zach set down his keys and looked around. The kitchen was clean, as they had tidied it up that morning. He went to check their laundry hamper. It wasn’t very full, so he didn’t feel the need to do laundry. He came back out to the main room and sat down on the couch. Looking out the window, he noticed the balcony, and decided to go and sit outside.

In the kitchen, he prepared a glass of limeade, then grabbed his computer. Out on the balcony, he got set up, and decided to read some articles that he had saved. One of them was about being out at work, and he clicked to open it up.

As he read through the article, he connected with a list of common difficulties that gay men go through. They were all so relatable. He was already feeling most of them at his job, and it hadn’t even been a year yet.

At the end of the article, he paused to think. He picked up the limeade and took a sip. Was this what it was like? Hiding parts of yourself forever? He hadn’t been trying to hide his sexuality, but he was also hesitant to talk about Austin. He wanted to put up pictures of the two of them on his desk, but he hadn’t yet, as he wasn’t sure that everyone would be cool with it. He wasn’t sure why he cared so much about what others would think.

He sat down his limeade and decided to call his mom. It had been a couple of days since they had talked, and he needed to talk to someone. He was feeling overwhelmed about Austin, and overwhelmed about work. She answered after a few rings.

“Hey sweetie, what’s up today?”

“Hey Mom. Not much. Austin is at the library studying, so I’m just hanging out at the apartment.”

“Oh, that’s nice, how’s he doing?”

“He’s fine. Though, I was actually with him at the library earlier and he was getting emotional. So, I decided to leave, he seemed to want to be alone.”

“Oh, poor thing, he must be getting himself really worked up. Senior year finals are so much pressure.”

“Yeah, I think he’s being too hard on himself about them. In reality, he’s on top of everything, I don’t think he even needs to study.”

“Maybe, he’s such a good student. Probably good to give him some space though, he’s got to see this through his own way.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. What are you up to today?”

“Oh, I’ve just been running my errands, I just got home with some groceries. So, how was work this week?”

“Pretty good. I’ve got a report I need to send out next week so I was busy with that.” After a beat, Zach continued. “You know, I’ve been thinking about how to bring up Austin at work.”

“Yeah? What do you mean?”

“Well, like, I haven’t really told anyone that I have a boyfriend. It kind of feels like I shouldn’t. I’m not sure how anyone would take it.”

“You think someone would have a problem with it?”

“I don’t know, maybe. I mean, everyone is pretty nice, but it seems like it would be better if I just kept quiet about it. I know this doesn’t make any sense.”

“Well, it is the workplace, so you do want to be professional.”

“I guess so.”

“I know a lot of people who keep their personal business to themselves at work.”

“Yeah, but I feel like this is different.”

“Well, you’ll figure out what’s best. They seem to be happy with how you’re performing, that’s what matters.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Zach replied, unconvincingly.

“Okay sweetie, I have to run, I’m late for my pilates class.”

“Okay, bye Mom, love you.”

“Love you too, bye.”

---

Out on the sidewalk in front of the apartment building, Zach tried to process what his mom had said. It was nice to talk to someone about what he’d been feeling, but he still felt lost.

Why did most of his coworkers have a photo of their significant other on their desk, and casually talk about them without a second thought, and he couldn’t? It wasn’t like anyone had told him not to. It just felt like he shouldn’t.

Zach walked for a while, headed nowhere, meandering down the street. He passed shops and restaurants, couples holding hands, and families headed to eat.

He’d also been thinking about how he dressed at work. He kept his clothing simple and clean. He missed how he used to dress at the coffee shop, in skinny jeans and random t-shirts. It made him feel like he had grown up overnight, and not like himself.

He envied Austin, still in school and dressing however he wanted. He wondered if Austin would have to dress and act differently for work as well. It was hard to imagine him in that environment, and it seemed like it would be really frustrating.

Zach had walked far enough to reach a small park, and he veered off of the sidewalk into the grass. He passed under some trees and headed towards a seating area with picnic tables, benches, with a large fountain in the middle. He found a spot on a bench and sat down. He watched the water in the fountain bounce up towards the sky.

He let himself zone out for a while, just soaking up the moment. It was nice to have a minute to process his thoughts, and feel, and take in what little bit of nature there was in the city center. At least everything felt a little lighter out here. Nature didn’t care. The sun was shining, the birds were going about their business. As much as things changed, some things never did. He took in a deep breath and slowly let it out through his nose.

Zach was so checked out, he nearly missed the vibration in his pocket. Austin was calling.

“Hey,” he answered.

“Hey, how’s it going?”

“It’s good, I’m just at the park.”

“Oh, cute, I wish I was there.”

“Me too,” Zach replied.

“Hey, so, I’m sorry about earlier. I think I overreacted.” Austin was sitting on the front steps of the library, watching people walk by on the sidewalk. He looked down at his shoes, and knocked a helicopter seed down to the next step.

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it. I understand. How’s studying going?”

“It’s good, I think I’m done for now. You may have been right, I think I know everything already.”

“I have to admit, I’m happy to hear that.”

“Hey, so, do you want to go and get dinner now?”

“Yeah! Where should we go?”

“I was thinking we might go to that Italian place around the corner from our apartment?”

“Yes! Yes we should. Meet you there?”

“Meet you there.”

---

Austin arrived first, and stood in the entryway and waited for Zach. It was a cozy restaurant, despite its size, and the entryway was essentially just a room in the corner of the larger dining room. It had windows in it, so Austin could see all of the other diners enjoying their meals.

So many couples were deep in conversation, lit by the warm glow of a small light on their table. Austin loved coming here, it made him feel grown up, and it was an escape from the world.

He felt bad for how he’d treated Zach earlier. He knew that Zach was right, but he had been so sweet for giving him space to study.

Just then, Zach came through the door. Austin got a big goofy grin and said, “Hello you.”

“Shall we?” Zach asked. They went through the door into the dining room and approached the host stand. From there, they were taken to the back of the restaurant and seated at a two person table. They each ordered a water.

After the waiter left, Austin asked, “So, you were at the park?” Austin picked up his menu and started looking for what to order. Zach followed.

“Yeah, I just went for a walk and ended up there. I tried to talk to my mom for a while too, that was a waste of time.”

Austin looked up. “Oh no, what were you trying to talk about?”

Zach set down his menu. “I was just reading this article about being out at work, and it really got me thinking about things. I should have known not to try and talk to my mom about it.”

Austin grimaced. “Yeah. What did the article say about it?”

“It was just talking about all the different ways that people hide things, like dressing really plainly and not having any personal effects in their office. It was a list of all the things that I’ve been doing subconsciously.”

Zach looked back down at his menu. Maybe the carbonara, he thought to himself. Hmm, or maybe something lighter.

“Okay, yeah, your mom probably doesn’t even understand any of that, she’s an open book.”

“True, I don’t think she’s ever hidden anything in her entire life.”

The waiter reappeared with the water, and took Zach and Austin’s order. Zach ended up ordering the Pasta Con Broccoli. Austin went for the Eggplant Parmigiana.

Austin leaned forward. “We should find ways for you to be more of yourself at work. Try some things out, see how they go. I think it’s really important for you to be yourself there.”

“That would be great, but I’m not sure. I just don’t know what’s allowed, or acceptable.”

“That’s why we should try things out, so you can adjust. First thing, I think we get you a big pride flag for above your desk,” Austin said defiantly.

Zach smiled and narrowed his eyes. “Okay, maybe not quite that bold out of the gate.”

“I know, ugh. I’ll settle for a little pride flag.”

Zach didn’t want to talk about what had happened at the library, but it still felt like there were some things left unsaid. “So, about earlier... how are you doing?”

Austin sighed. “I’m fine. I did my studying, and there’s still so much to do, but it will be fine. I’ll be fine. I just need to make it through this next week which will make or break the rest of my life, and I’ll be good.”

“It kind of sounds like you aren’t very fine. I don’t think that I understood how much pressure you’ve been under. Can I help somehow, do something?”

“It’s okay, you don’t need to do anything, like I said, I’m fine! It’s just going to be a crazy week and that’s all there is to it.”

Zach was quiet for a moment to think. Then he had an idea. “What if I did all of the food this week? Would that help? I’ll take it all over, you don’t need to worry about a thing.” Normally they split food responsibilities, sharing in the grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning.

“Okay, that actually sounds really nice. No, actually, yeah, that would be amazing.” Austin could feel himself welling up again. Why was he getting emotional over food? Was food really stressing him out this much?

“Babe, are you okay? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry again today.”

“No, no, it’s okay, I’m sorry.” He wiped at one of his eyes. “I didn’t even know that I was worried about food.” He became self conscious for crying in a restaurant. Second public cry of the day, he did not like this record. “Phew, okay, wow.” He fanned his face.

“Let’s figure out if there’s anything else I can help with. I’m sorry, I should have offered earlier, before it got this bad. I guess I’ve just been too caught up in my own stuff.”

The waiter returned, and placed their food in front of each of them. He asked if they needed anything else, and then disappeared again. The light on the table illuminated their faces as they dug into their food.

Outside of the restaurant, the sun was setting and casting an orange glow over everything. On the balcony of an apartment above the restaurant, a pride flag waved gently in the wind.